a survival guide

I dreamed of many things as a little girl. I spent many years sharpening my teaching skills on my Cabbage Patch Kids, because I dreamed of being a teacher one day. On other days, I was a mama to my dolls. I dreamed of being a mama to children of my own. I also role played with Barbie and Ken, and I taught her how to keep her man in line, because I dreamed of the day when I would have to the opportunity to straighten out a man for the better! And all of my dreams came true! But along my way, God threw in a few of his own dreams for me. And though I was adequately prepared for many of God's curve balls, one caught me especially off-guard!

Believe it or not, I never dreamed of being a pastor's wife! Quite frankly, when the possibility arose, I was positive that I wasn't made for that role! Recently, I was having a conversation with some friends about another person (who happens to be a pastor's wife), and they were telling me how great she was. Their exact comment was, "She's the epitome of a preacher's wife." So I had to rebuttal by saying, "Like me?" My friends kind of chuckled under their breath and changed the subject! Don't worry... they didn't hurt my feelings. In fact, I pride myself on knowing that God made me special and I don't have to fit a cookie cutter mold of anything as long as I am who God intends for me to be. And I'm the first to tell you that I'm not the epitome of a pastor's wife. BUT... along my ten year journey, I've learned a thing or two and I'd like to call it:

A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MAN IN THE PULPIT.

These are just a few of the many lessons I've learned along the way, and though I'm a long way from perfect, this should help you out if you find yourself in my shoes one day!

1) PRAY AND PRAY WELL- I was never really good at praying out loud. Actually, I would break out in a cold sweat when that time would come... you know... when someone starts to "find" the lucky person who is to pray aloud. I had long since honed the skill of not making eye contact which usually helped, and then one day it happened. Jason was asked to preach a trial sermon at a church and afterwards we were invited to a wonderful deacon's home to eat with his family. All 50 of them stood in a circle and held hands and the deacon said, "MRS. SARAH- WOULD YOU ASK THE BLESSING?" I froze. All I could think was, "50 of your family members are standing here, and a preacher for crying out loud, but you call on ME?!?!" I wish I could recall my prayer for you, but I have no idea what I said. For all I know I pulled out "God is great. God is good....." None the less, I learned my first lesson. You should learn to pray and pray well. THEY WILL CALL ON YOU!

2) VISIT- Of course the pastor is supposed to visit, but when he's first starting out, he will EXPECT you to accompany him. And unless you come up with something really good, you'll HAVE to go. But don't worry. He'll tell you exactly what to do. My directions were to always be the buffer. What is a buffer you might ask? The buffer handles ANY situation that might arise and need attention. I was to handle these situations so that the preacher could witness and keep the attention of the adults. Most nights this was a fairly easy job, and then one night, it all changed. First, we went to the home of a young family with a new baby. I was pumped about my role. I held that baby so Jason could talk to his parents and invite them to church. I loved that baby... until it projectile vomited all over my shirt. If that wasn't bad enough, the we moved on to the next home. Thank the Lord they didn't have any babies. There was only one seat so the preacher, being the kind gentleman that he is, took the seat and let me sit on the floor. Low and behold, their dog came in the room, and I went in to "buffer mode." I talked to the dog and stroked his head gently, and he apparently liked me. He proceeded to climb my body for the next 30 minutes of my life. And by climb, I mean he dug his nasty little claws in my body and scratched his way up. When he made it the top, he would gnaw on my scalp. I kid you not... I left bleeding. Of course, I'm no quitter so I moved on to the last visit of the night. This family had just lost their father. He was an older man, so his children were all gone except for one daughter with special needs. I knew she was my "job." So I spent the next hour sitting in a chair ROCKING HER! I was 22. She was 25. I was 5'4. She was nearing 6 foot. Need I explain more? Let me remind you that you need to learn to visit, but don't worry... You'll find plenty of things to do when you get there!

3. CREATE A TALENT- Every one knows ALL preacher's wives can either sing or play the piano. I didn't do either. So I had to make up one or the other. Well... sort of. I enrolled in piano lessons. To say that I became a pianist is a joke, but I can still play "Sweet Hour of Prayer" if the need arises. In those small country churches, you never know when your services will be needed. I would suggest learning a few more songs than me, because I'm afraid our first little church got sick of "Sweet Hour of Prayer!" But that didn't matter... their preacher's wife could play the piano and that made them happy!

4. BECOME A FOOD CONNOISSEUR- It's safe to say that I was a picky eater prior to becoming a pastor's wife. Seriously, I liked chicken fingers and not much more! But that wouldn't cut it in my new position. A few of our first church members often bragged of one of their favorite meals: Squirrel and dumplings. Thank the Lord I never had to endure that, but my luck did not hold out. Often times you are invited over for Sunday lunch, and we always hated not to go. Deep down though, I always wanted to ask what they were having before I committed my presence. My first bad experience was the day we had to eat "Kraut and Wienies." I'm not even sure I can tell you what that is, but I had to put some on my plate. Thank goodness that I have skills. I hid a little under my biscuit, split the remainder in half and scooted it around my plate so that it looked as though I at least touched it. But then my big day came. The men had been bird hunting on opening day, and I assume it's tradition to eat what you shoot. We were invited, and I was so happy to see chicken. But EVERYONE insisted I try the quail and pheasant. Hoping to get out of it, I found a seat with my chicken. But they were persistent and brought the quail and pheasant to my table, and they all gathered around to watch. Somehow, I dug deep in my pastor's wife body and I ate those birds. Fortunately, I lived to tell about it, and I added another tool to my belt. I became a food connoisseur in preparation for the next horrible thing I would have to eat!

5. HUMILIATION IS NOT AN OPTION- Face it... your life is now everyone's business. Even your private moments are at risk. You have become a constant SERMON ILLUSTRATION. When I do something stupid, I know immediately that it is subject to public knowledge. If the preacher can use it to teach someone a biblical lesson, he'll use it. In fact, even if you don't do anything stupid, the preacher will make up stories about you and you'll be forced to own them. I can't begin to tell you the numerous times I've listened to stories about myself, when I cannot recall actually having been a part of those events. I'm certain that either I suffer from amnesia or the preacher suffers from stretching the truth. But hey... it's all for sake of the Kingdom, and humiliation is not an option!

6. BE A MOTHER- Now there are lots of books out there about parenting, but I don't think any of them prepare you for this one. You aren't just required to raise children... you are required to raise "Preacher's Kids"... better known as "PK's". This is a very special talent and these skills can't be learned. I am certain these skills are part of a hidden spiritual gift. Your children are expected to do things differently than others. They should be able to run faster than any other child in the sanctuary. Their voices should be heard over all others when a quiet moment is in place, such as a prayer, a sermon, or the Lord's Supper. And after a service, they must beat all other children on the stage and be able to jump off of the 5 foot platform with little or no injury. Only then can you call yourself a mother of a PK!

7. LOVE ONE ANOTHER- The second greatest commandment seems so simple, yet I am certain it was written before church people were created. Of course, not all church people are harmful to your health. Many are like good medicine and make you feel all warm and cozy inside. But I think God created that second commandment because He knew "the others" weren't far behind. I assure you that He didn't give you these people to be a hindrance. He just wanted to give you plenty of opportunities to love others, especially your enemies. I know what you're thinking... you only want to drop-kick them. I know! Been there... done that. What you need is a punching bag for all your aggression. Spending a few moments on this at night will free you up to love even more! So never ever forget to... love one another! :)

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In all honesty, being a pastor's wife has been one of the greatest blessings of my life, and though all of the things I just wrote are true, I still continue to be blessed by the people that we serve through ministry!

I would encourage you to seek out your pastor's wife this week. She may not be your best friend... heck, you may not even like her. But let me assure you she wears a lot of different hats for a lot of different people and though you may not see it, she's doing the best she can. And yes, the preacher that she stands beside may be a little rough around the edges, but she loves him flaws and all. And her main job is to support him- in the good times and the bad times. So tell her you appreciate her! I promise it'll make her day. Because she's more than "the woman behind the man in the pulpit!" She's the one that makes the man in the pulpit who he is... and if you don't like the preacher, imagine how bad he'd be without her! Just one more reason to hug her neck or pat her on the back! It's a lot harder than it looks! Don't believe me... reread #1 through #7!

~Sarah (the preacher's wife)