I recently finished a book that opened by revealing the ending. I wondered why the author would give away all the good stuff in the first few lines. But as I began to meander through each and every chapter to see what brought them to such a conclusion, I realized that the ending was only half of the journey. So if you will, I’d like to start this post with a big conclusion:
Jason and I are expecting our 5th AND 6th babies in early June!
But without the details, I’m afraid you are missing a best-selling novel! So without further ado….
If you’ve known me for any amount of time, you know that infertility is part of my story. I didn’t choose it, but it has shaped me in more ways than one. Shortly after Jason and I married, we were ready to start a family. And while we were ambitious in our efforts, we quickly found out that we weren’t completely in control of that show! After at least a year of trying on our own, we looked into medical assistance. While medical advancements are happening everyday, 2002 left us with very few answers. After trying a few things that obviously failed, we were tired. It was an emotional 28 day roller coaster that just seemed to be happening over and over with no happy ending and we finally decided we needed a break.
While adoption was always an option, I needed to work my way through some other closed doors. Jason, however, was a HUGE advocate and really throttled us forward. In 2004 we began a year long process that ended in Ukraine. There we met a big brown-eyed 2 1/2 year old that needed a mom and dad just as much as we needed him. And just like that, after all those tears, heartache, closed doors, and questions, we became a family in 2005!
While we considered adopting again, there’s something about that first child. It’s easy to wonder if you should just stop there. It’s hard to imagine that you could love another baby or that there is room for others in the circle of three. Thankfully, the Lord perfectly orchestrated what we couldn’t foresee. Just two years later a forwarded letter found us with news of a baby that would be arriving in just a few short months. Although I had to pinch myself as we waited to be sure it was all real, that adoption worked out in the most beautiful way. We welcomed a second baby boy in 2008. And I would have thought that this was our complete family!
Our rhythm as a family was good. Jason and I were happy, had jobs we loved, two boys that adored each other, great friends, but we began to wonder if there was more in our future. This time it wasn’t more babies, but rather moving around the world for foreign missions. We moved to India in 2011 for an exciting adventure that we could have never anticipated.
One thing I quickly learned is that the typical missionary family has LOTS of kids. Maybe the many births of our friends while there was the culprit, but for whatever reason, all those old questions from our years of infertility started surfacing again. I eventually found a doctor that was willing to look into our situation further. And for the first time, we had some answers! Those answers, modern medicine, and the Lord’s graciousness brought us some of the most exciting news in 2013. We were expecting TWINS… a dream of mine since my dad is a twin! Although I was overwhelmed with joy, it was quickly overshadowed in the beginning with signs that one baby may have down syndrome. And while we are pro-life and trust the Lord in how he uniquely makes each of us, it was a long pregnancy full of worries and questions. Thankfully in 2014, I delivered two healthy babies, a boy and a girl.
In 2018, we celebrated big birthdays for all four of our children… a fifteen year old, a ten year old, and 2 four year olds! It is easy to say that our quiver is full and we are beyond blessed. Our house is loud, overflowing, and never dull! But just as I was settling into parenting a teenager through preschoolers, the plot changed.
In August, I experienced something I’d never experienced in my life… a missed cycle. Initially I didn’t even notice because it had never happened. But as I counted back on a calendar, I couldn’t argue that something was going on. For the first time I bought a pregnancy test and I nearly died when two lines appeared. THIS WAS UNCHARTERED TERRITORY FOR ME! I couldn’t even think of a creative way to tell Jason so I just showed him the test. Not one to believe in a $1 test, he insisted we buy “a real test” and five tests later, we were left with the same results- we were having a fifth baby!
I made an appointment with a doctor but it was a few weeks away. In the meantime, we let the shock settle in and started to talk about this new baby. I was so smitten and couldn’t believe that the Lord had chosen to bless us with this incredible surprise after all these years. I didn’t even know I wanted a baby…. but suddenly, it consumed my every thought!
And then— it was gone. While visiting a theme park with the kids one Saturday, I knew something wasn’t right. And by Sunday morning, it was clear that the pregnancy was ending in a miscarriage. I tried to shake off the sadness, the disappointment, the void- but I was devastated. To have never even met this baby, it was a part of me, and I struggled to move on. I had so many questions but no answers… just a new chapter in my book called miscarriage.
I went ahead to that doctor’s appointment just to be sure that everything was okay. They confirmed what I already knew, but I relived the loss yet again. The doctor assured me that my body would return to its normal rhythm soon, and in the meantime, I waited for the sadness to go away and life to carry on as usual.
But my body didn’t seem to fall back in line. After waiting another four weeks or so, I finally needed some confirmation that I wasn’t pregnant- that my body was just still healing from the miscarriage. Imagine the lump in my throat when those two lines so abruptly appeared for a second time in two months. Again, I rushed to show Jason those confusing lines. I needed him to make sense of it all.
While he could confirm that he also saw two lines, I needed to see a doctor, a heartbeat, something, anything! So I made an appointment for blood work. The numbers definitely indicated that I was pregnant, but they left me with more questions. They were awfully high for the timing of a pregnancy. So I made an appointment for an ultrasound. My google search told me that those high numbers could be a complication. I waited with a pounding heart while she carefully scanned my abdomen, afraid to breathe. And then she stopped.
I was prepared for the worst. And then she pointed to a black opening on the screen. Inside was the tiniest little peanut… a baby. It was REAL- a beating heart and all. But she wasn’t finished. A second sac- another baby- another beating heart. My stomach flutters as I even recall that moment. How did I go from such fullness from four children, to such loss after a miscarriage, to such joy and the blessing of a second set of twins? It’s still very surreal!
I never fully understood the term “rainbow baby” or should I say “rainbow BABIES?” And then it happened to me. I won’t say that the idea of parenting 6 children didn’t take our breath away. Jason actually cried real tears at one point, and I laughed for at least two straight weeks. I will celebrate my 39th birthday just before they are born and Jason will be 42 in February. We aren’t as young as we once were- that’s for sure! But I also trust the Lord! Clearly He has plans for us that we never could have dreamed up. His ways are good, and His gifts for his children are abundant. I couldn’t be more thankful for these rainbows after that unplanned storm. His timing is never wrong... even after 18 years.
So, here’s to 2019, TWINS, and trying to recall how we actually survived it the first time through. Certainly we learned a few things the first round and will knock this out of the park! I think Jason and I can also both agree that six is a good stopping point! We are certainly blessed!
Wondering about the gender?
Baby BOY Marlin and Baby GIRL Marlin have a due date of June 9, 2019, but I expect we will meet them before then! We covet your prayers as they continue to grow strong!
