I’m predictable. Safe. I don’t make rash decisions or very brave ones at that. When I was 23, a dentist told me I had my very first cavity. In disbelief I went home to process the information. I returned two years later to have the cavity filled. The shock of “something being wrong” and the fear of fixing it froze me. So I did nothing.
Fast forward. I’ve lived a lot of life since then. Marriage. Infertility. Adoption. Moving overseas. Pregnancy. Miscarriage. My own bladder cancer diagnosis. My mother’s breast cancer diagnosis. My grandmother’s breast cancer diagnosis. Both of their funerals.
I’m still all of the things I first mentioned. And probably more so. I now understand why “old people resist change.” I’m one of them. When my mom was sick, we had a lot of deep conversations. “I’m afraid for my family to live without me.” “Let’s talk about my funeral.” And this one… “Have you thought about getting genetic testing?” I didn’t see the point because safe people don’t react unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I obliged. For my mother.
BRKA negative. I immediately felt safe. Why rock a boat that doesn’t need rocking? Why fix something that isn’t broken? Why add anything else to a plate that most days couldn’t hold salt sprinkled on top?
For me, mammograms brought comfort for about a week. And then I started holding my breath until a breast MRI 6 months later. It was a viscous cycle of short-lived comfort followed by a lot of anxiety in between. I never had one questionable thing show up. No signs of anything being wrong. But I just couldn’t shake the thought of missing a birthday, missing a Christmas, missing a soccer game.
And then I added a new word to my vocabulary: prophylactic.
Definition: intended to prevent disease.
I began to hear my mother’s words so frequently: “If I were you, I’d do it.” My mother, who was also BRKA negative, but was not safe from this terrible disease.
So last week I stepped away from the comfort of routine. I signed my name on the admissions papers for a prophylactic double mastectomy. And guess what? I did it. I walked the same road of my mother and grandmother, but this time by choice with the intention of preventing disease.
Am I guaranteed to never get cancer? Certainly not. But I’ve lowered my risk of breast cancer to 1%. I could get any number of cancers tomorrow but today I just know this was the right choice for me.
Why do I share something so personal? Because of the very brave women who shared with me. A friend who walked this road because of other medical conditions that warranted a double mastectomy. A friend whose family has recently seen cancer roll through her family in unfathomable ways and decided this was best for her. A friend whose story looks a lot like mine- no BRKA gene, but just didn’t want to worry anymore. These ladies have been open books, no questions were off limits, and encouragement has been endless.
I’ve said this before. One of my favorite verses is:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.—2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I share that story because if it helps one person, it was worth it! If I’ve learned one thing it’s that our stories are never in vain. Every single thing we walk through can be shared to help, encourage, or comfort others. But only if we share them.
So there’s my story! If you’ve ever considered adding the word prophylactic to your vocabulary or cancer forces you to make this choice, I am also an open book. I don’t have all the answers but I can share the road I’ve walked to comfort others.
